So, as someone who struggles with depression and anxiety (and let’s be real, that describes most people these days, especially in the current situation), I have far too often found myself searching these types of things on any search engine I can get my grubby little mitts on;
“How to be happy”
“How to stop feeling so hopeless”
“Ways to be happy in a post-corona world”
“New ways to wear the same pair of pajamas”
If these types of questions look familiar to you, you are not alone. I think that most of us have been struggling to stay positive given the general state of things. However, I have found a bit of a trend in the articles you tend to find when you search this type of question, they all seem to be full of fairly superficial, pinterestesque, ‘self care’ suggestions.
I don’t know about anyone else but when i’m on day 3 of wearing the same pair of joggers (sweatpants for our friends across the pond) and only taking breaks from crying to eat, being told to “take a chill pill” or “practice mindfulness” doesn’t really cut it.
However, I think there ARE ways to keep ourselves from going daft headed, and in this piece I want to weigh them up against some more idealistic ideas for beating depression and anxiety.
1. Social media detoxing Vs. Developing a healthier relationship with your phone
We are all guilty of spending too much time online, especially those of us who are furloughed it is hard not to waste at least ah hour a day scrolling aimlessly. Most of the articles I found suggested taking a day or two off social media completely, but I know that as someone with anxiety this would probably make me feel more on edge and I would most likely start worrying that a friend had messaged me and was starting to think that I was rude for not replying.
Personally I oppose taking this all or nothing approach to social media, which in the long term probably won’t be sustainable for most anyway with the rise of mobile phones being an integral part of the work place.
So what can we do instead? The same as with our diets, we need to make the change from the bottom up rather than the top down. There are many steps we can take to foster a healthier relationship with our phones such as uninstalling facebook but keeping messenger to minimize scrolling time, using a blue light filter (most phones will have one however if you do not there are several apps) or installing a use tracker to keep an eye on your habits (what you can measure you can control after all).
It is also important to realise that YOU have control over what you see on your feed; if you feel rubbish every time you see that one model you follow put up a new impossible bikini selfie, now might be the time to hit that un-follow button. Instead of vapid and unrealistic ‘influencers’, flood your feed with artists, agents for social change and body positive content, and take the first step in freeing yourself from the negativity of impossible standards.
This also applies to the news, or social media outlets that include updates on the news (for me this is mainly Facebook). The bottom line is if it makes you feel sad, insecure or unhappy it’s probably for the best that you limit the amount of time you dedicate to it.
2. Loving yourself vs. Radical self compassion
The next point I tend to see come up again and again is that you must “Start loving yourself” immediately in order to feel better, for many people this may not be an option that can be adopted straight away, as years of low self esteem can’t generally be solved by a bath or a long walk (sadly).
What I believe to a better place to start is with radical self compassion. This often means having empathy for your future self more than loving yourself in the traditional, giving yourself a pep talk in the mirror, kind of way. Say for example you are someone who always loses your keys- pick one place to stash them and always use that place, small things like this can mean that your life ends up being miles easier.
If you always act with your future best intentions at heart, you can’t really go wrong. Some other examples that I try to use include; finishing work before it’s due date to avoid a rush, sorting out tasks when I remember them instead of putting them off as I know I will forget about them, and making sure I keep things in one place to avoid loosing stuff.
This one might sound kind of dumb but trust me, when you start treating future you better, your self compassion and hopefully self love will follow at their own pace.
3. Practicing self care Vs. Doing something nice for someone else
Often times when we get caught up in storms of depression or sadness we can, inadvertently, become very self centered, of course this is never intentional, and has no bearing on whether or not you’re a good person, but it happens. When we are in a period of being caught up in our own problems it is often easy to lose context of our lives and to get bogged down in feeling like you have to “fix” yourself.
I have found often in the past practicing what people call “self care”, e.g. going for walks, baths, reading inspirational self help books, or other things that are self focused can actually make me feel worse. Especially if I do those things and they do jack to alleviate my terrible mood, it is easy to get even more stuck in a downward spiral of thinking there must be something wrong with you.
What you CAN do however, and trust me this is scientifically backed to improve your mood and self esteem, is help someone else feel good. Various studies have shown that giving someone else a mood boost can have almost double the positive effect that we would experience from doing the same nice thing for ourselves.
This is a great one as you can do something small, like buying a homeless person lunch or you can do something big, like volunteering at a charity, the sky’s the limit!
4. Treating yo’ self Vs. Compassionate self discipline.
I will be the first to admit I am guilty of this one, sometimes when you feel low it is easy to lose sight of the end goal in favour of short term enjoyment.
Treating your self can look different for different people but for me it generally takes the form of unnecessary purchases, missed workouts, bad food and lazy sleeping habits.
Living with compassionate self discipline doesn’t mean that you can’t treat yourself, but it means putting boundaries in place within yourself so you can look after yourself in a more positive way. Just the same way that you would talk to a child, there is no point berating yourself for bad behavior but it is important to be firm with your inner child when it wants to eat cake and cry and sleep for 3 days straight.
Through this process of self compassion mixed with self discipline we can start to see looking after our self as a treat. As I started to see the “treats” I was giving myself for what they were; unhealthy, unproductive and aiding me in stagnating, I began to rely on them less and less. Sure eating comfort food CAN be good, but what is the point of eating food that is going to make you feel even more terrible when there are healthy alternatives that will nourish you while comforting you?
5. Gratitude
Okay so this one crops up in almost every list of ways to be happier and it’s really not wrong.
Gratitude, however hard it is to practice when you feel crap and overwhelmed, is definitely one of the stepping stones on the road to a happier life, we naturally tend to focus on the negative, and this can lend us to unconsciously missing a lot of the good in our lives and only picking apart the negative things.
By bringing our attention back to the positive through a gratitude journal or gratitude mediation practice we can begin to focus on more of the positive, in turn meaning that we will see more positive everywhere we go!
Thankyou for having a read of my first article, and I hope that you’ve found these points helpful,
Ros.
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